8 Reasons You Should Get a Dog Instead of Having a Kid

Kids are great. Most of the time. But before you commit to 18+ years of snack requests, expensive hobbies, and the impossible responsibility of raising a child in a exceedingly brain-rotted world, we'd like to offer an alternative: get a dog.

Dogs are cute, easy to love, learn how to walk right away and won't act like you're the devil incarnate for refusing a snack at 11pm. Give them some pets, some kick-ass treats, a nice long walk and congratulations, you're pretty much the greatest parent on earth. If you're still on the fence, here are 8 reasons you should get a dog instead of having a kid.

1. Dogs are so much cheaper.
   If you’re thinking about having a kid, just know that there will be costs.  They will outgrow their clothes every 6 to 12 months, it’s about 50/50 whether or not they’ll need braces, they will likely take part in ludicrously expensive activities, you’ll need to save for their education, and maybe even a wedding. They are not cheap dates.  Dogs on the other hand… they need treats (hey, we can help!), toys, and occasionally a trip to the vet when they decide to swallow an entire sock or something else adorably stupid.
   
   
2. You can leave a dog home alone.
   You really shouldn’t leave kids home alone until they’re almost teenagers!  For the first ten years it’s mostly for their safety, then from 10 on it’s more about the safety of your house.  That’s practically a dog’s lifespan. Leaving your dog home for eight hours? They will probably sleep for seven of them and spend the eighth sitting by the door, deciding whether you will ever come back and they will be so, so good if you ever do.
   
   
3. Dogs don't argue.
   Your dog may stare at you like you're an idiot, but at least he can't speak english.  And usually when a dog is looking at you weird, you did something weird (or they want a treat).  Kids on the other hand will argue with you and say with full belief that the sky is green, the grass is purple, and you never let them do anything fun. Exhausting.
   
   
4. Dogs are thrilled by basically everything.
   Walk? AMAZING. Car ride? OMFG. Cheese? LIFE-CHANGING. Gnarly Bite?  Come on now… On the other hand, you spend the better part of a Saturday building your kid their very own basketball hoop for the driveway, and after about a dozen shots they will likely come back inside and ask you to make them a snack.
   
   
5. Dogs don't need to be driven everywhere.
   When deciding whether or not to start a family, they fail to mention that about 30% of the job is being a ride-share driver, except for no money (in fact, negative money when you factor in gas).  With dogs on the other hand, it’s mostly just trips to the park and the place that shall not be named in front of them if you want them to get in a vehicle.  No soccer practice. No piano lessons. No orthodontist appointments. No forgotten water bottle that somehow becomes your Saturday night emergency.
   
   
6. Dogs are incredibly good eaters.
   Sure. Both dogs and kids can be picky, but they generally eat balanced diets that include meat, grains, vegetables and fruits, whether it be in dry kibble, wet food, or some junk free treats.  Heck, when they have an upset stomach you can boil chicken and rice and they’ll devour it like a Bobby Flay porterhouse.  Kids on the other hand, good luck getting them to eat more than four things by the time they’re seven.  If you have a kid, you can at least invest in hot dog and macaroni stocks to hopefully offset some of the cost.
   
   
7. Your dog will never tell you you're embarrassing.
   You can talk to yourself in a weird accent while cooking in the kitchen, wear Birkenstocks with socks outside of your home, or sing terribly in… while you’re just a bad singer everywhere. And your dog will just look at you lovingly and wonder if there's a treat involved.  Kids… they’ll say something that cuts to the very soul of you, and makes you really internally debate the whole Birkenstock and sock thing (still team socks though. Pound sand, kid).
   
   
8. Dogs learn way faster than humans
   With a little bit of positive reinforcement (maybe a training treat?), most people can teach a dog to sit, shake, lay down, and roll over in about an hour.  They will recognize the sound of your car’s specific engine in just a few weeks, and they also figure out how to walk, run and swim by the time they’re like 4 weeks old.  Basically, geniuses compared to month old babies.  Human brains are much harder to imprint on, even with positive reinforcement.  And even once they are teenagers, expecting them to listen when you tell them to sit down and stay put is no guarantee (even with treats).